In some ways so much of life comes down to a yes or no question:
Do you love me?
Am I welcome?
Am I good enough?
Do you want to?
In a world full of a vast number of possibilities, so much of what we want, need and hope for comes down to a binary question.
And when we’re asked that question it may spark a flurry of other queries inside us:
What do they really want?
Will they be angry if I say no?
Who am I to tell them they can’t?
Maybe I should?
When two people meet the borders between them are often undefined. They shift according to the moment. And it’s in the hazy territory of maybe that we can get lost. Asked to do something, accept something, reciprocate desire, we may doubt our right to say no! We might be so concerned with the well being of the other that we might not know what we really want. We might be afraid of the consequences if we do. We might have learned that pleasing other people is the only way we can quest for acceptance and love.
Saying no can be terrifying.
And yet it’s an essential part of living an authentic life. Saying no we establish for ourselves and others who we really are and what we really want. We affirm our right to only do what we want. While we may empathise with the feelings of others, they’re not our responsibility.
And in the context of a meaningful encounter or relationship, by saying no we trust that the other person will accept our answer.
I’ll say it again. It’s an act of trust.
How to hear no
We all encounter rejection in our lives. It’s built in to every relationship whether it’s romantic, social or professional. It would be preposterous to imagine that the world would be structured around our need for all our desires to be granted.
And yet when we hear no, it may trigger all kinds of feelings: disappointment, dejection, exclusion, self-doubt.
But here’s the thing: it’s not just about us.
When we ask someone if we can do something, if they reciprocate our feelings, if they approve of our actions, we’re engaging with the feelings, beliefs and experiences of another person who has their own sets of needs and desires that are entirely independent from ours.
It’s totally natural to feel rejection, especially if we felt vulnerable in asking the question.
But when someone says no they’re letting us know where their borders are. And that’s so valuable as we map our where we both stand. By saying no they’re trusting us with a piece of knowledge. And if we accept their answer is given in good faith we grow closer to that person and henceforth we’ll know we can also trust their yes.
Yes, no and maybe on the festival
Of course these questions aren’t always entirely binary. We’re not always sure of what our answer is when we’re asked what we feel or whether we’re willing to do something. We might give a different answer in the morning than we would in the afternoon. Nothing is written in stone.
So it might be that we say no for now or no to that but what about x instead…
In the context of the festival, however, a maybe must be taken as a no. It might later change into a yes but, while human relations are often inherently ambiguous, it’s important we stay on the side of caution; we want to create a safe bubble in the festival where our answers carry weight. When our borders are respected, we can relax into ourselves and feel free to explore our desires.
We might even be surprised at our own answers.